my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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