I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
