If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
