five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
