I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
