I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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