Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
