I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
