btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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