Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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