capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
