He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize