it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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