respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
