If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
