Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
