i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
