There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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