Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize