Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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