I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
