i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
