she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
