I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
