There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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