No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
