If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
