If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
