if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
