When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
