I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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