dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
