i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
