anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
