ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
