Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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