ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
