Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
