our cab driver is having phone sex.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
