i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
