I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
