We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
