he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
