I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
