____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
