She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
