No stitches, just platelets and will power
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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