I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
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