Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
