Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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