Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
