mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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