My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
