she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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