I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize