If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He has the fingertips of a God
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