he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize