This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I understand Curling. That high.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
