I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
