Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
