If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize