Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
