I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize