I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
