Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
