gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
