There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize