I just cut my nipple shaving
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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