i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
