i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i love accidental penises.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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