I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize